


When

by idrilhadhafang



Series: The Broken Edge [19]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Age Progression, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-12
Updated: 2017-04-12
Packaged: 2018-10-18 02:44:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10607655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idrilhadhafang/pseuds/idrilhadhafang
Summary: The evolution of Ben and Poe's relationship throughout the years.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: Repeats and Repetitions
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

When Ben is three years old, there is something about Poe that makes Ben excited to see him whenever he shows up. Even playing X-wing pilots together is fun because Ben loves to think of going to different planets. Even the idea of different planets is fascinating for him, it truly is -- hearing Daddy's stories and Mommy's stories is just wonderful to listen to, to just imagine seeing the stars and traveling the galaxy.

When Ben is four years old, he still keeps in touch with Poe. He wishes he could see him more often, actually, but it is always good when he does see him. He just wishes he could see his Mommy and Daddy again.

When Ben is five years old, Shara Bey dies. He doesn't understand when the news is first broken why she's dead; she was a nice lady and very funny. He can only hope that she's in the Force now, and maybe she can come visit him and Poe.

When Ben is ten years old, he thinks Poe has every right to go off and play with some of his newer friends (although Ben doesn't like them. Some of them seem downright scary), but Poe still hangs around, making up stories with Ben and things like that. Ben still wants to see all the planets one day. He hopes, he can only hope.

When Ben is thirteen years old, he starts to get fluttery feelings that don't make sense, every time Poe laughs or smiles, every time their fingers brush by accident, every time they're close to each other. There's something about Poe that captivates Ben. Granted, it's always been there, but here it seems to be accentuated.

When Ben is fifteen years old, Poe is off fighting on the war front. He wishes that he could go with Poe, but he's way too young, and he's not terribly practiced. He wishes that Uncle Luke would do somethingvthough; just feeling what's happening across worlds is enough to make him horrified and angry. How can Uncle Luke even think about doing nothing? It's outrageous.

When Ben is sixteen years old, he finds words that can be put to his feelings about Poe, those fluttery feelings that arise when they accidentally touch, when Poe smiles or laughs, when Ben's around him. These feelings of warmth, these feelings of a blurry sort of happiness. It's love.

Is it actual love? Infatuation? Ben has no frame of reference for these sorts of things, as he's been in the Order, which has been so split down the middle in regards to love. Not to mention his parents, who claimed to love each other even when most of the time, it felt like they hated each other. Ben doesn't know what falling in love is supposed to feel like, but he knows Poe is one of the best things that's ever happened to him.

When Ben is eighteen, Poe starts dating a man named Daniel, and he can't help but feel jealous. He knows he should be happy for Poe, but instead, he feels all but sick. It doesn't help that there is something about Daniel that feels off to Ben. He doesn't see Poe for just how beautiful and kind and good he really is; he mostly sees Poe's renown, even if his renown is impressive. He doesn't know Poe like Ben does.

When Ben is nineteen, Poe takes him flying. There's something about the experience that is thrilling, just seeing the stars in the galaxy before heading back to Yavin for the rest of the party. When Ben goes to sleep that night, he thinks of if he and Poe could ever go on a date there, up in space, seeing planets together. Seeing the stars. He sees it, and it's magnificent.

When Ben is twenty years old, he feels as if a whole new galaxy's been opened to him, and it's beautiful. It's radiant, resplendent, and places on Yavin become places where they can hold each other and kiss and touch, and Ben can smell Yavin in Poe's hair. And if his feelings were powerful before, it's nothing compared to how they are now. He can't listen enough, can't touch Poe enough, can't kiss him enough or laugh with him enough or hold him enough. He's all but brought to his knees in awe just at the fact Poe exists. He wants to give Poe everything he has and all he is, just as he wants all of Poe as well.

He's beautiful. He's so beautiful. Those gentle brown eyes, that wavy black hair and golden skin that's just so smooth, his full lips that almost drive Ben mad when he bites them in that habit he has, his body, slender and well-formed and something that haunts Ben's dreams at times...he's so lovely and almost delicate that Ben fears breaking him. He's so funny -- some of the things he says leave Ben grinning even in his worse days. He's so kind -- seeing things in Ben and others that they wouldn't have thought existed. He's so brave, just going into war to defend the Republic, just dealing with the aftereffects and still managing to be, fundamentally, his gentle, loving self. He occasionally feels so clumsy and large and troubled next to his beloved, and so he handles Poe with gentleness, careful to not break him.

He loves him. He doubts he can say it enough. And seeing Poe in pain is a lot like his pain becoming Ben's. He wants him happy, he wants him safe. The opposite is too painful to consider.

When they meet on Yavin, just holding him gives Ben a sort of peace he wasn't thinking he'd receive after Lisaris, and a sort of happiness that threatens to split Ben. The Order is split down the middle regarding love, but Ben knows that nothing about this could ever truly be wrong.

When Ben is twenty-two years old, he prepares for the wedding, fitting into his fancy suit that he doesn't think he'll ever really, truly be comfortable with. It doesn't matter, though. He is both excited and nervous in regards to marrying Poe. He's been waiting for this for so long, the day where they'll be married. He's occasionally fantasized about it -- being Ben Solo-Dameron as opposed to simply Ben Solo. Being able to wake up beside Poe as his husband and not just his lover.

He still feels a residual of regret for the fight that he had with his mother. It shouldn't have been this vitriolic. It shouldn't have gotten as out of control as it did. Ben wonders, absently, if he was acting like a spoiled child -- then he remembers how she referred to him and Poe, how she said that the "affair" they were having was purely physical, and anger settles in him like a brick again. She doesn't see how happy Poe makes him, and how good he is, how kind -- even though they grew up together and she should know...

It's not just her, of course. Some in the Order see him as a freak. It's just even more of a highlight in terms of how he is essentially the oddity, the Living Minefield, in the Order. He isn't going to lie that he very nearly cried when Poe showed him how wrong he thought he was. How he got so lucky to have such a wonderful man as his husband, Ben supposes he'll never know.

When Ben becomes Kylo Ren at twenty-three years old, there are parts of him that wonder, still, what became of Poe Dameron. His husband. The link is still open, and he can still feel his husband's grief over the Force. He wants to reach out over the Force and comfort him, but the Supreme Leader says that he has to sever all ties with the Light. "To be a Knight of Ren is to be alone," Snoke says, and Kylo Ren knows that he's speaking of his own loss with Yoda. It doesn't assuage the emptiness where Poe should be, and Kylo can only assume that it is yet another trick of the Light. Still, he knows it is a secret he will always keep close to him. That he still loves Poe Dameron, and he always will.

Even the Dark, in the end, has its weaknesses. 


End file.
